Is it possible to live with no regrets?

Very possible and it is entirely up to you!!

When we make a choice, we can’t be certain if we made the right one. Regret is a byproduct of guilt and it wraps itself with shame. Mistakes are inevitable. By living authentically we take absolute control of how we respond to missteps along the way.

Someone sent me this photo last week

When I’m faced with making a decision, I often ask myself what could possibly go right and wrong. I was never like this before. Quite frankly, the younger me would fixate on the million negative possible outcomes, and that was not helpful in any way. I would experience a setback and then punish myself for it because I believed the problem had to be from me, and maybe it was, who knows? I’ve now come to terms with the fact that not everything is going to go as planned.

It is okay to let go of the idea that we have absolute control over certain things. Sometimes we say yes to a date, a job offer, a request, a relocation, without acknowledging that we can still give ourselves the chance to change our minds. Why are you scared of saying no? I think we fear saying no because we think we’re not going to be liked, and grieving a huge possibility like that can be uncomfortable. I sometimes struggle to tell people I need time to think about something, and I’m sure you do too. There are always deadlines that circumstances create, compelling us to make rapid decisions.

It always helps to think of my decisions as an opportunity to explore uncharted waters, especially if that area is new to me. So I prefer to take my time and if it is ‘‘urgent then I give myself time to think’’. Taking me time can be for a few hours, day, a week and rarely a month. I resist the urge to ask people around me what I should do next because deep down I know the answer is within me.

Some of you will argue that it is better to ask around, and I agree—if only the person you are trusting is more experienced in the area. My point is, not every loved one is qualified to tell you what to do, and even if they do, you still have to make the decision. Saying no to a suggested action is also okay, so you need to stop feeling guilty. We need to believe that we’re capable of choosing what is best for us.

I remember a time when I asked a family member what he thought about me relocating to a new city because I got a job offer. He went on and on about all the bad things that could happen. At the time, I needed him to be happy for me, help me see the beautiful life I could have there. He mentioned how he has an issue living far from his loved ones, and I respect his opinion. After I got home and thought about it, one thing was clear to me. He was projecting his fears onto me, and I know this for sure because I’ve seen him pass down opportunities because he either felt undeserving or unqualified (imposter syndrome). It was left to me to decide on my next line of action. I did what was best for me. How I feel about him hasn’t changed, but I now know not to ask him what he thought regarding certain things. I love him, but the only way to maintain a healthy relationship that works for me is to trust myself enough to know what I need, and if a decision doesn’t go as planned, then I should be comfortable with the aftermath. Letting go of perfection also lets me accept that I will make mistakes, and that has developed my self-confidence.

Additionally, we humans obsess over having options, an illusion that social media has amplified. We tend to believe that it increases our chances of predicting an outcome. We often put on our scientist coat and goggles, scan through conversations and human interactions looking for a sign. Hoping that our decision will not result in regret, we close our eyes to say a silent prayer: ‘I pray I don’t regret this decision.’

Khadijah, my friend said, "Always have a backup plan; this softens the blow, and it lets you see the possibility no one else but you sees."

I agree that having options opens you up to seeing opportunities, but does it really help in minimizing the impact of regrets?

Can we live with no regrets?

Yes and no. I believe that we can learn to live with the idea that our decisions, with no intention of hurt, can result in a bad outcome—and it was the best you could do at the time with the information available. This reframing helps us understand that it should be a lesson instead of a regret. When we find ourselves feeling regretful, it is important to ask—does this feeling serve me, and how can I use the lessons to move forward?

In hindsight, I can see how even people who are no longer in my life, or opportunities I said no to, introduced me to new ways of seeing things. When situations didn’t work out the way I expected, instead of focusing on regrets, I search for lessons and the small good things that came from them.

On a podcast, I heard Gabor Mate talk about a nurse (Bronnie Ware) who wrote about dying people. The top 5 regrets of the dying—spoke about how the people she cared for in palliative care. The book teaches us the importance of surrendering. All her patients mentioned how they wished they had dared to do the things they wanted, or said no to what didn’t feel right. The common theme of the book is that people wish they had the courage to be more authentic.

Dear friend, I dare you to take a chance on yourself, to say no and yes as you please without fearing judgments, to see your mistakes as a playground for growth, and to be okay with not being in absolute control.

Journaling prompt

How can I live in this world despite what I did?

What does it feel like when I’m patient with myself?

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